The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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