Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
