For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
