This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
