Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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