All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
