What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
