wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
