I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
