if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
