If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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