Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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