i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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