I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
