covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
