Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
