"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
