i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
