You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Randomize
