last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
