I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
