Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
