Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
