god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
