She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
3 2 1 whiskey
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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