I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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