just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
