my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
