I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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