I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
you inspire me to be a worse person
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
