goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
