Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
