I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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