she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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