Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
