it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
