just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
