is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
