you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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