What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
