she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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