I accidentally burped into my bong.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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