Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
