it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
