Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
