theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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