my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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