my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
