it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
