I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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